State of the Axel

[AxelFendersson]

Hello, SAUK. It's been a while. Early this year, without particularly meaning to, I sort of drifted away from here. But I'm vain enough to imagine that some of you might wonder what had become of me, so I thought I'd pop in and let you all know how I'm doing.

It's been a bit of a mixed year. Things got off to a rough start in January with drama at work that made things very stressful for a while and splitting up with my (first ever) girlfriend before we had even consummated the relationship. Then at the end of March, I was made redundant (although I don't think that had anything to do with the drama in January).

Fortunately I'd managed to get a little money saved in the 14 months I'd been working, so I wasn't thrust into dire financial straits immediately. Particularly, I was able to carry on dancing, which has been a key part of my recovery since I started 2½ years ago.

My dancing continues to go from strength to strength. In addition to the modern jive I started with, I am now a solid intermediate-level swing dancer (primarily Lindy hop, although I've done a little WCS and collegiate shag) and one of the best leaders on the local blues dance scene. I entered my first regional modern jive competition back in the summer; I made the second round in the Dance With A Stranger and Intermediate Freestyle categories, but didn't quite make it to the semi-finals. I'm also making progress as a teacher. I have now taught some intermediate-level classes as well as beginners, and in recent months I've been training up a beginner for a Strictly-Come-Dancing-style competition. We didn't win, but my pupil has developed into a great social dancer who is a pleasure to dance with, and it is hugely satisfying to know that she got that primarily from me.

After six months of unemployment, money was getting very tight, but then I finally managed to get a new job. This is another of the year's success stories, as it's the first time I've ever got a job by the standard pattern of submitting an application, being selected for interview and then giving the best interview of the available candidates. From what I gather, it wasn't even close; they were sure I was the candidate they wanted straight away, and offered me the job that afternoon.

So now I'm working as a science technician at a secondary school. The money isn't very good; the hourly rate is fine but I'm only working 24 hours a week and it's term-time only so in practice I don't make much at all. But I'm enjoying it more than any job I've done before, and it will be good experience that will put me in a much stronger position to find a job I like when I start to look for something else.

Turning thirty was pretty frightening. It's not the age itself that is scary so much as the fact that I'm so behind in life. I've achieved so little in the 11½ years since I left school and here I am hitting a major milestone with very little to show for it. I was, however, able to take some comfort in the fact that life was at least starting to move in the right direction again. It definitely helped that I'd managed to find work again; if I'd still been unemployed at that time it would have been much harder.

Socially, I'm doing pretty well. I have only a couple of close friends whom I see every week or so. But I also have several groups of friends (most of whom I know through dancing) that, although not particularly close, I get on well with and see regularly; some of them I may yet grow closer to over time. I am friends with my ex; it was a bit awkward for a little while but we're past that now. She's going out with someone else now; he seems like a good guy, they're much better suited to each other than we ever were and I'm glad for them. I still try and keep in touch with the groups of friends that live too far away to see regularly via email and Facebook, but it's hard and I do wonder whether we will continue to slowly drift apart. It's sad, but it isn't as tragic now that I have new friends that I do see regularly and am living an active social life at home.

I finally lost my virginity recently. It didn't go at all how I envisioned it, but not in terms of being awkward, uncomfortable or disappointing. It was lovely, really. But the circumstances under which it happened were very different from what I would have imagined, and how it was good and what was good about it were not quite what I had expected. The situation between me and the woman in question is slightly more complicated than I'd like and I wonder how long it's going to last, but we're having fun for now and I think that's what matters. And if it all turns out to have been a terrible mistake ***8212; which is certainly possible although I hope it won't ***8212; then it's at least the kind of mistake that I've always wanted to make more of.

I can't say I'm completely free of social anxiety. There are still things that I find intimidating for no good reason and I know that in most social interaction I come across as reserved and not particularly confident (the exception being if I'm dancing, when I am reliably informed I come across as very confident, relaxed, in control and slightly flirtatious). But it isn't something that dominates my life any more. It's mostly fairly mild and where it isn't, I am managing to either work around it or work through it well enough that I am still able to function fairly normally. And also, SA or no, I am still an introvert and am never going to be a hugely outgoing, gregarious type. That just isn't me and I don't need it to be.

I'm reluctant to point to myself as a great success story, as proof that if I can make it, anyone can. For a start, my victory over SA is not total. It lingers on; it's still something I have to deal with from time to time and, like depression, it is something I will, I suspect, always have to be wary of lapsing back into. Also, my SA was never as severe as some people's on here. The difficulties I've had have been quite valid and quite real, but at the same time I appreciate that plenty of us here have burdens that are far greater than, or even just different from my own, and so my experiences may not be entirely relevant to everyone else's.

But at the same time, even if it is a qualified success story, it's still a success story. When I joined SAUK, I was going through a very rough time, and now I'm doing OK. Not everything is as it should be, but it's moving in the right direction. Life throws me challenges, but I'm meeting those challenges with at least some degree of success. And rather than just disappear, I thought I ought to come back and share that with you all. Because understanding some of the problems I had and discussing them with other people with similar problems on here was an important first step towards dealing with those problems and getting to the situation I am in today.

So I'd like to finish by saying a big thank you to all the past and present members of SAUK, especially to anyone who helped me, either directly or indirectly, either by posting useful thoughts or advice or just being people I could vent at when I couldn't vent anywhere else. And a huge thanks to the great team that run things around here, for all the hard work you put in, and for letting me be a part of that team for a while. Best of luck to all of you and I hope you all manage to find success in your recovery eventually.

And I hope you all have a great Christmas and a happy new year.

(TL;DR version: I rock, you all rock too.)

[GhostOnMagneticTape]

I was wondering where you went! Great to hear from you and I admire your honesty about what kind of year you had, sounds very topsy turvy but at least active and no doubt a learning lesson. All the best for 2013.

[Azi]

Wow, great to hear things are going well for you Axel!

[Vanessa]

I was wondering what happened to you, glad to hear the news is good.

[buttonlane]

Its great to hear positive success stories like this Axel. Its very encouraging.

[ghost.of.an.englishman]

good to hear from you, and it's encouraging to hear about the results you can get if you really fight this thing

[AxelFendersson]

Thank you, everyone, for your comments and goodwill.

[AxelFendersson]

Originally Posted by SambaBus

I'm interested in your dancing experience, how did it all start off, did you just go to a local class and it all took off from there?

Yeah, that's pretty much it. It all started when I picked up a flier for a free evening's dancing at my local modern jive venue. I was looking for a way to challenge myself socially to help overcome SA, and also just for a new pastime in general, so I decided to give it a go. I'd always found dancing really intimidating generally, not just because of SA, but it seemed that maybe the time had come to overcome that. With a free voucher, all it would cost would be a few hours of my time and I could decide whether to more than just the one evening once I had got that far.

So I went along. Got almost to the door and walked straight past, had to walk around the building one time while I worked up the courage to walk in. Once I was through the door things got easier. By the end of the evening I'd learned just enough that it seemed a waste to just leave it at that. So I came back the next week. And the next.

After doing a few 'fusion' lessons where we mixed in a few elements of Lindy hop with the regular MJ, I decided I liked it enough to try doing Lindy hop properly and so I started doing lessons in that last September. Not that long after that I also discovered blues dancing, and took that up as well. Blues is fast becoming my favourite dance genre, although I still love MJ and Lindy as well.

Originally Posted by SambaBus

I'm just asking this question because I've thought about starting something like this myself (I realise I mentioned this on the picture thread the other day). Do you have any suggestions on what I should do to start off with?

I just want to try and a find a hobby which will help me to meet new people and have fun. Also some good exercise.

As a good way to start learning to dance with a partner, I'd be inclined to recommend modern jive. Also sometimes known by the brand names LeRoc and Ceroc, its basic fundamentals are very simple, so you can get up and dancing fairly quickly, and particularly if you're anxious about the whole thing, starting with a fairly easy dance is definitely a plus. At its best, MJ can look like this or like this.

In the Oxford area, Modern Jive lessons are run by Jive+ and Ceroc Oxford. I usually dance at Oxford Town Hall and Jive+'s Witney (where I sometimes teach the beginners' review classes that run at the same time as the main intermediate lesson) and Woodstock venues. The only venues I'd recommend against going to would be the Abingdon & Beaconsfield ones, as the guy who teaches at them is awful.

Other dancing in and around Oxford that I know of:
There's a lively Lindy hop scene in Oxford. Classes are run by Oxford Lindy Hoppers and Oxford Swing Dance Society; I haven't been to any of the latter, so I can only vouch for OLH, who are awesome. It's a challenging dance, but great fun when you get the hang of it. And it can be quite vigorous, so if you're looking for good exercise, it might be a good choice.

OLH also run blues lessons. At the moment they're as part of a combined Lindy and Blues social night on Tuesdays, but there are plans to split the blues off into its own night, probably on a Monday. Blues can be quite an intimate dance, so it can be a bit intimidating for people who are new to partner dancing, but if you can get past that it's great.

There's also West Coast Swing run by DanceSwingUK. Mike Rosa is a good dancer and a good teacher (and really knows it), but I haven't been to any of the regular classes so I don't know what they're like. Westies have a bit of a reputation for being snobbish and elitist, but I don't know how true that is. It's a nice dance that I'd like to do more of, but I haven't the time.

For any of those dances, you should be able to just come alongto a regular class and give it a try. There is no need to come with a partner; everybody rotates partners every few minutes during the lesson and then for the social dancing people usually change partners after one or two dances.

I'm also pretty sure there are lessons in Salsa and in Ballroom & Latin dancing, but I don't know anything about them. For the latter you will need a partner; people generally come as a couple and stick with the one partner throughout.

Originally Posted by SambaBus

Sorry if I'm asking repetitive and/or stupid questions, it's just a habit.

Not at all. Any excuse to ramble about my current favourite pastime is fine by me!

If you do take up MJ, Lindy or blues in Oxford, we'll almost certainly run into each other eventually, so let me know if you do so I can say hi.

[Dougie Jones]

I did wonder where you had gotten to, it's great to hear that you have made good progress.

While you admit to not being 100% recovered, you seem like you are a lot happier.

It has genuinely given me some inspiration for the new year ahead.

[meinemonkey]

What was your life like before?
Was it the dancing class that changed everything?

Sounds like you were similar to me, but your last year seems to have been a pretty amazing adventure.. and you have groups of friends?! Thats totally alien to me but everything I actually want.

Im a similar age and that is so daunting with respect to meeting people and making friends, especially as everyone has their own social network already established.

Any tips??

[AxelFendersson]

Originally Posted by meinemonkey

What was your life like before?

Well, Before this past year, things were going fairly well; I was already quite well recovered. But going back 18 months before that, I was unemployed, bored and lonely. I had moved back in with my parents at about the same time that the last of my old friends from school moved away from the area. My self-confidence was running terribly low and I was drifting increasingly back towards the depression that I had had problems with in the past.

Originally Posted by meinemonkey

Was it the dancing class that changed everything?

Well, not by itself, but it was one of the most important pars of how I turned things around. It gave me a new and intimidating social situation to immerse myself in and gain exposure and a new skill to work on and improve my confidence. It gave me an opportunity to meet and interact with people without having to be great at making conversation. And it led me to meet some really great people.

Originally Posted by meinemonkey

Any tips??

I can't claim to have all the answers or that what worked for me will work for everyone. We're all different. But I found three things important:

1. Exposure. Whether you expose yourself to your fears gradually or go for full-on immersion like I did, part of the recovery process has to involve screwing your courage to the sticking-place and getting out there and doing stuff.

2. Confidence. Working on my general self-confidence was crucial. Finding a new activity that I enjoyed and was really good at was a huge confidence boost and consequently, everything else was easier.

3. Patience. It won't fix itself overnight so don't expect it to. It will take a long time and be a gradual process. Learn to enjoy the progress you are making as it goes.

Also, a month on I wanted to follow up on this:

Originally Posted by AxelFendersson

The situation between me and the woman in question is slightly more complicated than I'd like and I wonder how long it's going to last, but we're having fun for now and I think that's what matters. And if it all turns out to have been a terrible mistake ***8212; which is certainly possible although I hope it won't ***8212; then it's at least the kind of mistake that I've always wanted to make more of.

The situation has since got a whole lot less complicated. We're still together and I think I'm starting to fall in love with her. And whatever happens it definitely wasn't any kind of mistake.