The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

[Percy]

Originally Posted by Mellie

Everyone i know hates me secretely

I don't hate you Mellie you're a sweetheart

[Aelwyn]

Originally Posted by Mellie

Everyone i know hates me secretely

I'm not keen on the sometimes sanctimonious mottos you can get on signs and fridge magnets. However I was given a magnet which says "Don't believe everything you think" and that one I do like.

[choirgirl]

I don't think they do, Mellie. Also sometimes people express frustration or are distracted by their own stuff, but it doesn't mean they hate you.

[Mellie]

Thanks for all the replies. Hope everyone is ok

[Tubbs]

I was wondering if anyone could relate to this: when you suffer a disappointment or setback or whatever, does your mind immediately go to suicide? Like something doesn't go to plan and you're instantly planning the trip to Dignitas (not literally, but I've thought in detail about suicide methods many, many times).

It's my default position. I'd made all these grand plans for this year, e.g. I was going to move house, lose a f*ck-ton of weight, start driving lessons, etc; but as soon as something bad happens I'll think 'f*ck it all', and want to press the self-destruct button. I self harmed today for the first time in I don't know how long. I find it really difficult to even talk about any of this. Truthfully, I'm as messed up as I ever was, but as I've got older I've got better at masking and telling people what they want to hear.

When good things happen to me they feel fleeting, and I immediately worry that they're going to be taken away from me. Honestly, the ideal situation would be for me to not wake up tomorrow, or to drop dead from a massive heart attack or similar. (Maybe the latter scenario is not as unlikely as I'd once thought. I had my blood pressure measured today and it was something like 140/80, which I've been told is not very good..) At my core I just feel it would have been better for everyone if I'd never existed.

The one friend I have locally stopped replying to my messages - not that I blame her, she's unwell and has her own shit to deal with - but I feel really lonely. I'm a horrible partner/daughter/sister/friend.

I just don't know what to do any more.

[Merritt]

I can relate, Tubbs

My mind does the same thing, in fact it's usually already half way there before anything happens. It's a huge coping mechanism for me, the idea that at least I can always just die, and if I can manage to keep my peace with that then how bad can anything really get? The problem is it requires me to shed all my attachments to being alive, to treat everything as disposable, make no connections and not value anything. It isn't a nice way to live, though I deal with it by telling myself I don't deserve anything better, and I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it.

[biscuits]

^^ that's a lot of pressure and high stressful situations and change and uncertainty all happening at once. It's like in your brain you're stacking lots of balls on top of each other and trying to make them stay in a tower but they all will fall and roll about in there because it's all a bit too much to process and deal with all at the same time.

As for being a horrible partner/friend/sister/daughter - that feels like it's really hard to imagine someone thinking of you. It might help to reframe that as what's happening to you right now is a lot to experience and it's putting up a temporary barrier between those relationships. It's okay not to be emotionally or physically available to others and the people who love you will know that's what's happening. Also it can help to reach out and let them know when/if you feel able to, as they might be able to offer some comfort. Offloading really helps just to get it out and if you think perhaps talking to a counsellor might help that sounds like would be a really good thing to do.

It's okay to feel like everything is too much because sometimes it is, but it won't always feel like this all the time. It's only when it passes through us that we see that though, of course. And it will pass

[Chess&Junkfood]

I'm sorry to hear this, Tubbs! I would reach out for support when you need to and take each day at a time. Please be kind to yourself! Sending the best to you!

[Lee S]

@ Tubbs

[horseblanket]

My brain does the same thing, Tubbs, since all the bad in 2012 that my brain completely blocked and is only recently starting to release trauma memories

being miss treated online is one thing that triggers my brain back to the suicidal need from 2012, that year I literally needed to do a suicide

tbh I sometimes wish I'd managed it, the attempt I made wasn't a well thought out one

[Dougella]

You're not messed up Tubbs Oddly this is something I've noticed that my medication helps with, not that I'm suggesting everyone takes medication! It's just something I've noticed. My partner has similar reactions to things not going as expected or big changes but I never see it as a problem or him as a bad partner because I understand and I just try to support him. I think that's how your partner and friends think of you.

[gregarious_introvert]

So sorry to hear that you're going through this, Tubbs; you are not a horrible anything at all and I hope you'll get to a place very soon where you realise how lucky those who share your life are, to have you in theirs.

It does seem that you may have been trying to reach too many goals at once (most of us have been guilty of that at some time) but perhaps it's best now to forget all of them and take time to rediscover yourself, rebuild connections, then perhaps to pick one goal to work towards. I'm sure you have the strength to come through this.

To answer your question, yes suicide was my go-to solution for setbacks, although after my last attempt in 1988, I vowed that I wouldn't do that again, so instead I spent 27 years just hoping not to wake up, until one day my life took a new direction and I was so glad that I never succeeded when I tried, or acted on my impulses afterwards.

You're a lovely person and I hope that your life can change for the better; please stick around until it does, the world needs more Tubbs, not one less.

Sent from my M2010J19CG using Tapatalk

[Bluebear]

I’m so sorry you feel so bad, Tubbs.

I can relate to what you have posted.

Suicide has been my default plan for when things go very wrong for 10 - 11 years. Dignitas has felt like a good solution.

I feel like a horrible partner, relative, and friend.

I so much hope that you feel better.

I completely agree with gregvert that the world needs more Tubbs and not one less!

I usually don't write posts here but I made an exception to post this to you.

[Aelwyn]

Just picking up on one thing you say, about blood pressure.

I've had high blood pressure for several months now, I think most likely because of anxiety. Anyway, a single reading apparently is not so significant, it's the weekly average that is more informative. Just getting worried about a single reading will probably put your bp up! (By the way mine was up to 150).

I've found that exercise and meditation both seem to bring it down, helping manage the anxiety. If you can do just 10 minutes of exercise morning and afternoon, that can be very good for you. I also posted recently about chanting Om. It might sound wacky, but does seem to have a calming effect even if you only do it for five minutes.

The point is to not get swamped by your emotions and thoughts, which change all the time anyway. Don't believe everything you think, as they say in mindfulness classes.

[Tubbs]

Heartfelt thanks for the replies. I'm OK. Getting there, y'know?

Originally Posted by Dougella

Oddly this is something I've noticed that my medication helps with, not that I'm suggesting everyone takes medication!

Just wanted to pick up on this point. I'm quite heavily medicated as it happens - 60mg fluoxetine in the morning and 15mg mirtazapine at night - I believe this is known as a 'California speedball'!! Which is to say, I dread to think what I'd be like without meds

Anyway, I appreciate you all <3

[Dougella]

^ Oh a California speed ball! Yeah, everyone reacts differently to different meds. Mine don't seem to help much at all with the huge amounts of anxiety I have unfortunately, but they do lessen my reactions to unexpected changes or things not working out etc.

I hope you're feeling a bit better

[gregarious_introvert]

^^ Welcome back, Tubbs. Pleased to hear that you're "getting there" and hope you continue on that path

Sent from my M2010J19CG using Tapatalk

[horseblanket]

I hope you'll be okay Tubbs, if there's anything a random person on a forum can do, please feel free to say

[Hopeforme]

My mind goes there too. I did about 20 minutes and I am sitting with it now. Really painful.

[gregarious_introvert]

^ I'm sorry to hear things have got that bad for you, Hfm, if there's ever anything you need to talk about, my ears are available (or eyes, if it's written, you know what I mean).

Sent from my M2010J19CG using Tapatalk

[Bluebear]

^ ^ I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, Hopeforme. Feel free to send me a message if you need someone to talk to.

[Sunrise]

I wish I could hurry up and die. I'd rather just get it out the way to be honest and stop wasting everyone's time.

I don't have any sort of moral dilemma about it, I think it's just laziness. I have nothing to live for and no hope of ever getting better. I never read success stories about people like me, we're just bad people. I'm so full of anger, hatred and bitterness, and that's not something you overcome.

I wish I had the strength to do it. I wish I had the courage to do the right thing.

[horseblanket]

Originally Posted by Sunrise

I wish I could hurry up and die. I'd rather just get it out the way to be honest and stop wasting everyone's time.

I don't have any sort of moral dilemma about it, I think it's just laziness. I have nothing to live for and no hope of ever getting better. I never read success stories about people like me, we're just bad people. I'm so full of anger, hatred and bitterness, and that's not something you overcome.

I wish I had the strength to do it. I wish I had the courage to do the right thing.

Your not a bad person

[Tembo]

^^ Sunrise I think you’re way too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself, and do something you enjoy to try and take your mind off these feelings - easier said than done, I know.

[biscuits]

Sunrise hope you feel be to reach out for some support to help you to see that you're a good, likeable person. (I only like maybe 7 people, so I'm quite fussy.)

[Chess&Junkfood]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, Sunrise! I also think you come across as a likable person who is way too hard on yourself! When I'm not feeling my best, I try to be my best friend. Which sounds a bit sappy, but having a supportive internal dialogue does help sometimes. I also find writing down my thoughts helpful. While also reminding myself that each day can change how I feel. So I hope these feelings will soon improve for you. Sending the best your way!

[Hylas]

Hi Sunrise, I do hope things are a little easier for you today, having been in a dark place myself a few years ago I do sympathise. Never stop reaching out, the pain each of us feel is our own and nobody but God truly understands our suffering.

[gregarious_introvert]

Sunrise, the only anger, hatred and bitterness I see in your posts is towards yourself. You have a great sense of humour, you're probably the only person on here who can make me chuckle out loud when you offer one of your dry comments on a thread.

I don't think all hope for you is lost, I think you just need to find your place in this world.

Sent from my 23021RAA2Y using Tapatalk

[horseblanket]

Sending you hugs, sunrise

[Sunrise]

Thank you all for your kind words.